Onion Friends

"Onion Friends", are just like an onion. 

There are different layers, different levels of friendship. Some of them, you can throw away and some of them you want to keep and savor for a while. 

Some of them you'll talk to about your weekend. Some of them will know how much sexing you got this weekend. 

One layer will know about your family.

One layer will know about your inner most thoughts. 

One layer will except you no matter what you say.

One layer you throw away after you realize they're not as good as they seemed at first. 

But in the end, you'll know which ones you want to keep around.  

No, That's Not What You Think It Is!

For whatever reason, I was thinking about my fake friend Bimmy. I was thinking about him and his fake third nipple, which made me think about what other celebrities have a third nipple?!

I googled "celebrities with three nipples" this is the list of celebrities that came up.

Mark Wahalberg. From what I understand, he's really proud of his third nipple! And I say...GOOD FOR HIM!

Tildda Swinton. I'm not surprised that she has a third nipple! But really, can't we also assume she has an oversized clit...aka an undersized dick!? And I say this with much respect! I love her work and I think she's an amazing performer.

Carrie Underwood. She had a third nipple. She hated her third nipple. She removed her third nipple. Carrie needs to learn how to love herself before she can love anyone else!

Lily Allen. She's also proud of her third nipple! She's been know to pull it out during interviews. She's also told people that "it" gets hard when you touch it. And I'm like, "most things get hard when you touch it!" ZING!

I kind of wish I had a third nipple!? But do I really want a third nipple? Or is it more like that fool next door having a greener lawn?

I'm just saying.

Curl Into A Ball

Today we'll talk about celebrities that can kick my butt!



Jason Statham. YES! He can kick my butt! He's had years of martial arts training!

Chuck Norris. HE'S F'ING CHUCK NORRIS! So YEAH, he'd kill me!

Betty White. She seems like she would cheat during a fight! And she sold her soul to the devil, so I'm sure she would win.

Wayne Brady. Is he considered a celebrity? Either way, he'd kick my butt.

Paula Deen, Paul McCartney, Matthew McConaughey, Tome Jones, dead Whitney Huston, Michael J. Fox, Webster, can all kick my butt!

So what I'm trying to say is, I need to buy a gun!

What Tequila Means to Me

According to Alton Brown from the show Good Eats...I added my own opinions as well. 

1. Tequila is made from the blue agave plant.
2. Tequila can only legally be called tequila if it's produced in specific areas such as Jalisco, Guanajuato, Michoacan, Nayarit, Tamaulipas. Any agave made spirits made outside those areas is called "miscal".
3. There are two categories of tequila. 100% agave made tequila and mixto tequilas which by law only has to contain 51% agave. The rest is just...jiz and spit. I'm assuming!? Maybe some bleach as well to kill the jiz and spit bacteria?! 



Within the 100% proof "agave territory", there are several types of classifications. 

Blanco/White. Straight from the still.
Resposado"rested". Tequila aged in oak barrels 2months to 11months and 30days.
Añejo"aged". Tequila aged from 1year to 2years 11months and 30days.
Extra Añejo. Tequila aged for 3years or more in wood....That's what she said! Ok, so maybe "that's what she said," didn't work this time.

Good quality tequila is the longer the tequila is suppose to be sipped and savoured.

If you just want to take shots and get F'ed up, go with the cheap plastic bottles! 

Just like good sake, it's suppose to be sipped. Unless it's crappy sake, then just tilt your head back and swallow as fast as possible! "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!" 

All The Cool Kids Do It

  What ever happened to Joe camel and the Marlboro Man? Remember when smoking use to be cool? I remember watching Grease, the scene at the end when Olivia Newton John comes out in her black slutty leather. I remember seeing that and thinking, "Yeah, she's a bad bitch! She's so bad that it's good!" Or what about in other films where people are smoking, looking badass!?

  What happened to the good times? Oh yeah, we learned that smoking gives you cancer, emphysema and it really messes up your skin. But lets put all that aside. Lets ignore the fact that smoking makes your breath, clothing and everything around you smell like butt. Lets be positive about smoking. Lets all remember how cool you look while smoking!

  So what I'm trying to say is, we're all going to die. Everything gives you cancer. No one really wants to live to the age of one hundred. Unless you're into pooping your pants and having other people clean you. But if you're not into that, I say start smoking! Start looking cool! Because, if everyone else is doing it, you should as well.

27 Club

So you want to be a rock super star, live large, a big house, five cars and so on and so on...

I've never been in any clubs, they seem like fun. We'll, most of them seem fun. Not so much the 27 club. For those of you that don't know what the "27 club" is, I'll tell you!

The 27 club is a term used to refer to celebrities that have passed away at the age of 27. And there's a bunch of them!

(Someone should come up with a 27 club t-shirt. Maybe something like, "27 club, new members wanted" or something funny? But someone should make a t-shirts!)

Here are a few of the more well known celebs that have joined the 27 club.

Joseph Merrick(The Elephant Man) Died, in April of 1890
Brian Jones(guitarist for The Rolling Stones) Died, July 3, 1969. Drowned

Jimi Hendrix. Died, September 18, 1970. Asphyxiation...allegedly  

Janis Joplin. Died, October 4, 1970 Heroin overdose(equal rights in full affect!)

Jim Morrison. Died, July 3, 1971. Heart failure...I'm guessing it was the drugs. A lot of drugs! 

There's a lot of other people, but I'm just sticking to the biggest ones(that's what she said)

Kurt Cobain. Died, April 5, 1995. Suicide by shotgun

Amy Winehouse. Died July 23, 2011. Alcohol poisoning...and tons of drugs!!!

Fact: Lindsay Lohan turns 27 next year. At the rate she's going, she'll get her membership card soon enough. 

Hmm? Why is it mostly musicians???? Oh yeah! Sex, drugs AND rock & roll. Them some crazy mix!

Honorable mentions. A short list of celebrities that we're a little early/late to join the club

River Phoenix, 23. DRUGS
James Dean, 23. Car crash
Heath Ledger, 28. DRUGS
Brittany Murphy, 32. DRUGS
John Belushi, 33. DRUGS

So what did we learn today? Don't be a celebrity if you're going to use drugs. And, celebrities are bad at math and chemistry

No Seamen for Me!

  Do you remember being young, and day dreaming about being a sailor or pirate, sailing around the world. Traveling to the edge of the world in search of riches and booty(yes, I said booty. The sexing kind!) Did you fantasized about eating salted meats and drinking rum all day? If you dreamt of that lifestyle, you are dumb!

  You must have not considered the lame factor of being out at sea for an extended period of time in the 15th-16th century, or whenever pirates lived? Back then, there was nothing to do at sea but have gay butt sex and get scurvy!

 If you ask me, I would not want to get scurvy! Scurvy is a disease that occurs when you have a severe lack of vitamin C (ascorbic acid) in your diet. It causes general weakness, anemia, gum disease, and skin hemorrhages. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000355.htm

 So what I'm trying to say is, have all the butt sex you want! Just make sure to eat some limes or oranges every once in a while.