Onion Friends

"Onion Friends", are just like an onion. 

There are different layers, different levels of friendship. Some of them, you can throw away and some of them you want to keep and savor for a while. 

Some of them you'll talk to about your weekend. Some of them will know how much sexing you got this weekend. 

One layer will know about your family.

One layer will know about your inner most thoughts. 

One layer will except you no matter what you say.

One layer you throw away after you realize they're not as good as they seemed at first. 

But in the end, you'll know which ones you want to keep around.  

No, That's Not What You Think It Is!

For whatever reason, I was thinking about my fake friend Bimmy. I was thinking about him and his fake third nipple, which made me think about what other celebrities have a third nipple?!

I googled "celebrities with three nipples" this is the list of celebrities that came up.

Mark Wahalberg. From what I understand, he's really proud of his third nipple! And I say...GOOD FOR HIM!

Tildda Swinton. I'm not surprised that she has a third nipple! But really, can't we also assume she has an oversized clit...aka an undersized dick!? And I say this with much respect! I love her work and I think she's an amazing performer.

Carrie Underwood. She had a third nipple. She hated her third nipple. She removed her third nipple. Carrie needs to learn how to love herself before she can love anyone else!

Lily Allen. She's also proud of her third nipple! She's been know to pull it out during interviews. She's also told people that "it" gets hard when you touch it. And I'm like, "most things get hard when you touch it!" ZING!

I kind of wish I had a third nipple!? But do I really want a third nipple? Or is it more like that fool next door having a greener lawn?

I'm just saying.

Curl Into A Ball

Today we'll talk about celebrities that can kick my butt!



Jason Statham. YES! He can kick my butt! He's had years of martial arts training!

Chuck Norris. HE'S F'ING CHUCK NORRIS! So YEAH, he'd kill me!

Betty White. She seems like she would cheat during a fight! And she sold her soul to the devil, so I'm sure she would win.

Wayne Brady. Is he considered a celebrity? Either way, he'd kick my butt.

Paula Deen, Paul McCartney, Matthew McConaughey, Tome Jones, dead Whitney Huston, Michael J. Fox, Webster, can all kick my butt!

So what I'm trying to say is, I need to buy a gun!

What Tequila Means to Me

According to Alton Brown from the show Good Eats...I added my own opinions as well. 

1. Tequila is made from the blue agave plant.
2. Tequila can only legally be called tequila if it's produced in specific areas such as Jalisco, Guanajuato, Michoacan, Nayarit, Tamaulipas. Any agave made spirits made outside those areas is called "miscal".
3. There are two categories of tequila. 100% agave made tequila and mixto tequilas which by law only has to contain 51% agave. The rest is just...jiz and spit. I'm assuming!? Maybe some bleach as well to kill the jiz and spit bacteria?! 



Within the 100% proof "agave territory", there are several types of classifications. 

Blanco/White. Straight from the still.
Resposado"rested". Tequila aged in oak barrels 2months to 11months and 30days.
Añejo"aged". Tequila aged from 1year to 2years 11months and 30days.
Extra Añejo. Tequila aged for 3years or more in wood....That's what she said! Ok, so maybe "that's what she said," didn't work this time.

Good quality tequila is the longer the tequila is suppose to be sipped and savoured.

If you just want to take shots and get F'ed up, go with the cheap plastic bottles! 

Just like good sake, it's suppose to be sipped. Unless it's crappy sake, then just tilt your head back and swallow as fast as possible! "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!" 

All The Cool Kids Do It

  What ever happened to Joe camel and the Marlboro Man? Remember when smoking use to be cool? I remember watching Grease, the scene at the end when Olivia Newton John comes out in her black slutty leather. I remember seeing that and thinking, "Yeah, she's a bad bitch! She's so bad that it's good!" Or what about in other films where people are smoking, looking badass!?

  What happened to the good times? Oh yeah, we learned that smoking gives you cancer, emphysema and it really messes up your skin. But lets put all that aside. Lets ignore the fact that smoking makes your breath, clothing and everything around you smell like butt. Lets be positive about smoking. Lets all remember how cool you look while smoking!

  So what I'm trying to say is, we're all going to die. Everything gives you cancer. No one really wants to live to the age of one hundred. Unless you're into pooping your pants and having other people clean you. But if you're not into that, I say start smoking! Start looking cool! Because, if everyone else is doing it, you should as well.

27 Club

So you want to be a rock super star, live large, a big house, five cars and so on and so on...

I've never been in any clubs, they seem like fun. We'll, most of them seem fun. Not so much the 27 club. For those of you that don't know what the "27 club" is, I'll tell you!

The 27 club is a term used to refer to celebrities that have passed away at the age of 27. And there's a bunch of them!

(Someone should come up with a 27 club t-shirt. Maybe something like, "27 club, new members wanted" or something funny? But someone should make a t-shirts!)

Here are a few of the more well known celebs that have joined the 27 club.

Joseph Merrick(The Elephant Man) Died, in April of 1890
Brian Jones(guitarist for The Rolling Stones) Died, July 3, 1969. Drowned

Jimi Hendrix. Died, September 18, 1970. Asphyxiation...allegedly  

Janis Joplin. Died, October 4, 1970 Heroin overdose(equal rights in full affect!)

Jim Morrison. Died, July 3, 1971. Heart failure...I'm guessing it was the drugs. A lot of drugs! 

There's a lot of other people, but I'm just sticking to the biggest ones(that's what she said)

Kurt Cobain. Died, April 5, 1995. Suicide by shotgun

Amy Winehouse. Died July 23, 2011. Alcohol poisoning...and tons of drugs!!!

Fact: Lindsay Lohan turns 27 next year. At the rate she's going, she'll get her membership card soon enough. 

Hmm? Why is it mostly musicians???? Oh yeah! Sex, drugs AND rock & roll. Them some crazy mix!

Honorable mentions. A short list of celebrities that we're a little early/late to join the club

River Phoenix, 23. DRUGS
James Dean, 23. Car crash
Heath Ledger, 28. DRUGS
Brittany Murphy, 32. DRUGS
John Belushi, 33. DRUGS

So what did we learn today? Don't be a celebrity if you're going to use drugs. And, celebrities are bad at math and chemistry

No Seamen for Me!

  Do you remember being young, and day dreaming about being a sailor or pirate, sailing around the world. Traveling to the edge of the world in search of riches and booty(yes, I said booty. The sexing kind!) Did you fantasized about eating salted meats and drinking rum all day? If you dreamt of that lifestyle, you are dumb!

  You must have not considered the lame factor of being out at sea for an extended period of time in the 15th-16th century, or whenever pirates lived? Back then, there was nothing to do at sea but have gay butt sex and get scurvy!

 If you ask me, I would not want to get scurvy! Scurvy is a disease that occurs when you have a severe lack of vitamin C (ascorbic acid) in your diet. It causes general weakness, anemia, gum disease, and skin hemorrhages. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000355.htm

 So what I'm trying to say is, have all the butt sex you want! Just make sure to eat some limes or oranges every once in a while.

Hello, My Name Is...

It  was $2 Margaritas at Acapulco today

Do you ever get the urge to talk to random strangers about trivial things like the weather? Do you enjoy learning personal information about your coworkers lives? Coworkers you can't really stand to be around? If so, here are a few things you can do to make new friends!

Read a book; Nothing says, "please tell me about your problems" like reading a book or reading the newspaper

Wear headphones; This is the international sign of, "come talke to me." Everyone knows you don't really care about the music you're pretending to listen too. You really just want a friend to talk to.

Be sick!; If you do this one, you're just an attention whore! Being sick at work or when you're out and about is only done by those that LOVE attention! All day long people will talk about you, to you. They'll make comments like, "YOU look terrible" or "YOU should go home" or they'll give you advice you didn't ask for.


Fin


This post was written while on a sarcasm high!

Drunk is the new Hungry

Stone Cold Sober :(

So this one time, at Big Lots. Well, it didn't start off at Big Lots. The story should have started off, "This one time, at an Italian restaurant, where the beers were inexpensive..."

But anyway...

You know how they say, you shouldn't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. You shouldn't go to Big Lots, Target or Best Buy after you've been drinking!

I bought a Shake Weight.
I kind of have been using the Shake Weight.
The Shake Weight is kind of working.

I also bought a toothbrush, some KISS pint glasses, some energy drinks and a bag of sand. I'm not sure why I got the bag of sand.

I See The Football, Where's The Fantasy?

Sober Post :(

I joined my first ever fantasy football league last night. I don't know much about the sport, but I do love to talk smack. Which was is what really attracted to this league(I'll be playing against co-workers/friends who also talk smack. It'll be like being at home for the holidays!) Also, there isn't any money involved that I will be winning.

Fact: Sports gambling is illegal in the state of California...for now!

Since I don't rally know players nor teams, my strategy was simple. Get drunk and pick the prettiest/blackest/funkiest names. From what I've noticed, those are usually the best players.

Team name; Almost Drunk. Because at the time...I was almost drunk.

Let's hope beginners luck is a real thing!?


Writing while sober is so much more challenging then after having a few drinks! Hemingway would not approve of this!

Make it Hard!

OMFD

On todays episode, we're going to learn a little bit about different types of alcohol. I've also decieded I'm going to mention my level of drunkeness. In post, this will be found in the upper right hand corner of the post. And as my drunkeness changed, I'll post it as I go. "S = Sober, OMFD = On My First Drink, ALB = A Little Buzzed, B = Buzzed, D = Drunk, IWRTT = I Won't Remember This Tomorrow"

Pinky up everyone! Lets get ready to drink!

Whiskey; is a type of distilled alcoholic beverage made from fermented grain mash. Different grains are used for different varieties, including barley, malted barley, rye, malted rye, wheat, and corn. Whisky is typically aged in wooden casks, made generally of charred white oak.
So, it's made from grains!

I think I'll be getting most of the info from Wikipedia. If I get it from somewhere else, I'll add a link and whatnot. I mean, everything on Wiki/the internet is 100% accurat and truthful(sarcasm)

ALB

Rum; is a distilled alcoholic beverage made from sugarcane byproducts such as molasses, or directly from sugarcane juice, by a process of fermentation and distillation. The distillate, a clear liquid, is then usually aged in oak barrels.
So, it's made from sugarcane!

I keep seeing the word "distilled." Wikipedia, what's that word mean? 

Distillation;  is a method of separating mixtures based on differences in volatilities of components in a boiling liquid mixture. Distillation is a unit operation, or a physical separation process, and not a chemical reaction.

Umm, yeah?! I still don't understand that. I'm sure if I watch Moonshiners, It'll explain it all! But anyway, lets move on...

B

Gin; is a spirit which derives its predominant flavour from juniper berries (Juniperus communis). From its earliest beginnings in the Middle Ages, gin has evolved over the course of a millennium from an herbal medicine to an object of commerce in the spirits industry. Today, the gin category is one of the most popular and widely distributed range of spirits, and is represented by products of various origins, styles, and flavor profiles that all revolve around juniper as a common ingredient.
This one kind of confused me! Soooo, it's made of berries?  

Vodka; is made by the distillation of fermented substances such as grains, potatoes, or sometimes fruits and/or sugar.
So, it's made from anything? But normally potatoes.


Well, that's it for today everyone. Happy pooping! I think I'll end all my post with that...Happy Pooping!

Oh yeah, I've been drinking Gin and Tonic while writing this. It's not my usual thing, but why not try something new? 

I'm Sensitive

"Allergies are all in your head!"

Sorry voices in my head, you are wrong once again!

According to WebMD

"About 10% of the U.S. population has pet allergies and cats are among the most common culprits"

Hooray! I'm part of the 10 percent!!! Not wait...

I use to think that cats fur was the devil, but I kept reading on WebMD

"Contrary to what you might think, it's not the fur or hair that's the real problem. People with cat allergies are really allergic to the proteins in the cats saliva, urine and dander(dried flakes of skin. )

So what I'm saying is, what if we replace cats saliva glands with spray cans of water or something? This way they can still lick, clean and pleasure themselves without me sneezing and wheezing.

Things that bum me out about the things I love

Today's post was written by Amber C. The C stands for...

  I think the most helpful thing to say first off is that I'm a girl (mostly just lame) but also a girl. I love anime, Doctor Who, and comic books. I watch the IT Crowd and I still cry myself to sleep every night that Arrested Development and Firefly are still canceled. I read a lot and I enjoy math. Most of the time being a girl doesn't really affect any of these things. But then sometimes it does...and it all starts with slacker comedies..
        
 Here's the deal. Before guys like Vince Vaughn and Seth Rogan became sex symbols, us lame-o's could read comic books with male and female superheros that are toned and ripped and think, "yeah, I'm okay with this because its fantasy and this doesn't make me evaluate my life choices at all." But then we as society decided to make real dudes cool and I though "Awesome, sign me up. Finally!" So I watched movies like Superbad and Knocked Up. Crazy funny right?! Well, yeah they were awesome but the women are still insanely hot and stick thin, which is great for my pudgy/glass wearing brothers, but it feels like as a society we created sweet tree house full of happiness and laughter and everyone who got up there got a bag of candy and a Star Wars Xbox. We threw down a rope to the geeks so they could join but only the boys got to go. 
         
 So if I'm being over sensitive, ok I can see that point of view. But consider this. If I want to cosplay at the next convention my choices are severely limited if I'm not willing to walk around half naked or in soul crushingly tight spandex and if I flip over to G4 to watch some gaming related television the women who are supposed to be representing my interests are having pillow fights and wet t-shirt contests. So I guess my point is that I just really want a godamn Star Wars Xbox....

I Don't Remember That!

Have you ever woken up after a night of drinking and asked yourself, "What happened last night?" If you have, you might be asking yourself that, because of a blackout!

Now, I'm not sure on the hows or whycomes(I know that's not really a word) of blacking out, all I know is what I've experienced. And what I do know is this, blacking out occurs after I  consume a large amount of alcohol in a short about of time. That consumption of alcohol impairs my ability to remember the events that are occurring at that time.

As we all know, when you consume alcohol, "liquid courage" goes into affect. Which means that, you're inhibitions are lowered, you "feel" more confident and worry less. The down side to this is, you lack common sense and tend to do stupid things you normally wouldn't do.


So, I don't remember where I was going with this post. But I would like to say this, don't get upset with someone that's blacked out. If you ask them to remember an inside joke or the song you guys danced to or if you ask them, "why were you dry humping me?" I was drunk! I mean, THEY were drunk and don't remember. Just let it be...and delete the pictures/videos you took!

Wreck-It? He's gonna damn near kill it!

Here's another post written by Ben.


Wreck-It? He's gonna damn near kill it!

Coming to a theater near you this November 2 is the next Disney animated feature film, Wreck-It Ralph. You can check out Disney's official movie site here: http://disney.go.com/wreck-it-ralph/

This movie has me pretty intrigued, guys. The concept is simple, yet beautiful. Wreck-It Ralph, the villain from a fictional 80's arcade game, Fix-It Felix, Jr. has been doing the same thing for thirty years, and now he is sick of it. He escapes his game, and goes on a series of adventures. John C. Reilly stars in the titular role. Based on the trailer, I've been really thinking I'm going to enjoy this movie. The Disney site features a version of the game from the film you can play online. It's pretty legit, too. It plays a lot like an older style arcade game, except the difficulty is a little low. At least, I can play it way longer than I have ever been able to play Donkey Kong.

I read an article on BoingBoing recently where they compiled some story notes from Pixar tweeted by story artist Emma Coats: http://boingboing.net/2012/06/13/storytelling-the-pixar-way.html

The storytelling techniques expressed there are so simple, yet they can lead to such well-grounded, well-developed plots. It's odd, because if you stick to a formula, then technically aren't you being formulaic? And isn't that a bad thing? But somehow, these guys stick to a formula, and it works. The one that Wreck-It Ralph makes me think of the most is, "#4: Once upon a time there was ___. Every day, ___. One day ___. Because of that, ___. Because of that, ___. Until finally ___." You could tell a million stories that way, and, with effort, all million of them could actually be interesting in their own way.

My old man always told me there were only three or four stories, and the one I remember the best from his example was "I go on a trip." Seriously, you can boil a lot of movies down to just that. Which is not to say that just having a movie with a trip is enough. Adding all the additional flavor and motivation and realistic conflict can make all the difference. I am eagerly anticipating finding out if Disney made the difference here. I want to like this movie already. Let's see what happens

Crazy Movie Theories or "the man" Cover Ups!? part 1

Today we start a series of "crazy" movie theories floating around the internet. We'll start with two today and others as time goes by.

First up, The Matrix.

Zion is part of the Matrix!


and this is where I copy and paste...

The Theory:

In Revolutions, Neo's powers from the Matrix have seemingly transferred into the material world. For instance, he can "see" (despite having charbroiled his eyeballs) and also manifests the power to blow up machines with his mind. This has been a pet peeve with fans who note that this makes absolutely zero sense in the context of the Matrix universe.

But one theory posits that Neo's sudden, convenient-to-the-plot superpowers were possible since he never left the Matrix at all.

These fans figure "Zion" and the whole world Morpheus and the other "free" humans lived in was a separate Matrix unto itself, a second layer of the computer program to let some people think they had escaped. Thus it makes perfect sense that Neo would have magical powers in what he thought was the "physical" world.

Next movie is, Aladdin

Aladdin takes place in a post apocalyptic world! 

copy and paste time

In one scene, Genie calls Al's clothes "so 3rd century." Genie has been trapped in the lamp for 10,000 years, so there's no way he could know of the fashion trends which have happened since he's been trapped. Which means the latest Genie could have been trapped in the lamp is the 3rd century. If he spent 10,000 years in there, it is now AT LEAST the year 10,300 AD when he gets out.

Conclusion: Aladdin takes place IN THE FUTURE. A post-apocalyptic world where only Arab culture (and some Greek) survived. It has been so long that the name "Arabia" has been corrupted to "Agrabah." The Muslim religion has atrophied to the point where there are no mosques, Imams, or prayer mats, but people still give praise to Allah in moments of happiness. Amazing technological marvels left behind by the previous civilization, like sentient flying carpets or genetically engineered parrots which comprehend human speech instead of just mimic it, are taken for granted by the locals or considered "magic."

Ben Reviews Starbucks Freebies - Based Solely on the Cards

Hello, everyone. This may be the first of a continuing feature around here entitled "Ben Reviews Starbucks Freebies - Based Solely on the Cards."

You see, the local independent coffee house, Starbucks (now with more than 5 locations), in addition to tasty beverages with silly size names, has offered, for a while, free digital downloads of...things. At first it was just songs, which would have been easier to describe. I could have said, "Starbucks gives out free song downloads," and be done with it. This era, the so-called "Just Songs" era of Starbucks downloads, lasted for a while. I know I've been picking up the download cards for quite some time. I would say that a pretty fair percentage of the books in the bookshelves in my house contain a Starbucks free song download card nestled within them, resting after performing quite adequately as a bookmark. The cards are the size and shape of, and are constructed of similar material to, business cards. They used to feature the name of the band or artist, the name of the "track" (is that term hopelessly archaic now? I know they're not called "grooves", so I don't know for sure if it's a reference to vinyl, but somehow "track" is more prevalent than just saying "song", so I thought I would switch. Maybe people want to say "track" to keep the door open to discuss spoken word selections), and a picture on the front, and instructions for how to download, for free, the song (I'm taking it back. They're songs, darn it.) on the back. I've downloaded many of these songs, and I had the idea a while back to offer my reviews of the songs as part of my civic duty. Then I had the idea that I don't know dick about music, and nobody should have any reason to respect my opinion about music.

Recently, I went to a Starbucks, and had to ask the baristas where they kept the cards, because I could not see any. They reached under the counter, found several unopened boxes, and presented me with four freebie cards, in a slightly different format than that with which I am familiar, and with the strange new addition that none of these four cards are for songs! Starbucks has now branched out, it would seem, and is offering free downloads of TV episodes, books, and apps, based on my sample. With such a wide-ranging variety of free shit, now, more than ever, I MUST review them for you. I have much more experience with expressing opinions about TV episodes, books, and apps, but still, I do not think I will do a traditional review. No, instead I will do something that sharp readers have seen coming since the beginning:  I shall review these Starbucks freebies based solely on the cards!

Card:  TV Episode
Show:  Anthony Bourdain:  No Reservations
Episode:  Naples

So, apparently I can watch a whole episode of Anthony Bourdain. This is a really good idea, actually, because Anthony Bourdain is bad-ass. I like this show very much, yet I never seek it out. This should be a good one, too, because unlike some of the farther-flung places he visits, I might even actually go to Naples one day. The picture shows Anthony sitting on some sort of curb, or low cement bench sort of thing. Not the most attractive pose, because he kinda looks like he's on the can. That would be an entirely different show; Anthony Bourdain:  Pass The T.P. The picture is oddly green-washed, which looks so out of place I almost think it was an error at the printer or something. Based solely on the card, I give this TV Episode a 7 out of 10.

Card:  TV Episode
Show:  BBC America's Planet Earth
Episode:  From Pole to Pole

I've already seen this episode, so I have to take points off for that, I think. Repeats. Sheesh. Planet Earth was a brilliant show. Very cool to watch in HD. Not much plotwise, I must admit. Just a bunch of nature doing its thang. The picture shows a bunch of elephants and birds walking around somewhere, but it's shot from such a high angle that you see space and the curvature of the Earth. Something's wrong there, I don't think you should be able to see an elephant AND the curvature of the earth in the same shot. Clearly they're trying to show you, "Hey, look, elephants. That's nature, so you know this is a nature documentary. But see how the ground is all curvy and you see space up top there? Doesn't that remind you that Earth is a planet!? Branding!" I'm going to give this one a 6 out of 10.

Card:  Book
Title:  After Friday Night Lights
Author:  Buzz Bissinger

Okay, Buzz Bissinger sounds like Kim Basinger's reverse-drag queen name. I like the name Buzz. That's either some ballsy parenting (naming your kid Buzz, and hoping he leans more toward the haircut and Aldrin than toward just straight getting buzzed every night), or a dude who has taken his nickname so to heart that he publishes books under it. Either way, big ups. Unfortunately, I don't like the picture. It's just a picture of the cover of the book, apparently. It looks like a football field after dark, with the lights on, and nobody home (the football field is "home" in this sentence). Then the title is in black on the bottom of the cover on top of a big yellow patch. It looks like Cliff's Notes, but I also feel like I don't even want to read the Cliff's Notes of this book, much less the whole book. I have heard that Friday Night Lights is an okay series, but I never watched it. If this is the sequel to the book that the TV show is based on, that's not selling me too hard. 4 out of 10.

Card:  App
App:  Kayak Mobile PRO
Description:  Search trips from flight to hotel and beyond.

Guys, I think I actually used to have this app. I had it because I had Fandango, which had a big F as its icon, and I decided to get apps with U, C, and K for their icons so I could spell the f-word out in apps on my phone. It was a worthwhile use of my time, obviously. Based on how I roll, I don't feel like I need an app to search trips from flight to hotel and beyond. I guess I should say that most of my opinions are based on how I roll. Upon what other criteria could one express an opinion? Although, that "beyond" part sounds pretty good. I guess I can see searching "beyond". I had to search "beyond" the couch the other day for the dogs' tennis ball. The picture is of the app icon, which is a big white K on an orange background, but for some reason it has a black horizontal line halfway through it that doesn't help. Unless the idea was to think of those old-timey clocks where the numbers flip down into place white on black cards. There's a banner on the bottom right corner of the icon that says "Pro", which is good prestige. So, useless app, but prettyish icon, and it can help you spell naughty words. 5 out of 10

I hope you enjoyed this installment of Ben Does That Thing In The Beginning (too lazy to copy and paste). Stay tuned (because one tunes in websites, I assume) for further reviews, and keep watching the skies!

I need a better thing to go out on.

Save Steve Holt

Drunk Time is Now!

For those of you that don't know yet, the beloved show, Arrested Development will be making it's triumphant return to the little screen next year, before it makes it's debut on the big screen(according to the internet)

Everyones favorite characters will be making a comeback...except for Steve Holt.

What's that you say?

 You love Steve Holt and you can't wait to see him again? If that's what you're thinking, you're dumb and you haven't been reading this post! I just told you he won't be in the new episodeds!

Don't worry kids! The movement to bring back Steve Holt has begun!

http://www.savesteveholt.com/

By going to this website, you can help the cause.

This isn't the late 80's/early 90's where you can just replace a character and no one will notice!!! We care. We love. We notice the changes!

So, I say to you good people of the internet, Don't let the "man" keep us down! Bring back Steve Holt! You can make it happen! Go to the website for information on how to do it. Do it now! Save the nerd world!

Drunk time is now!

Boobies

"Hooters hooters yum yum yum. Hooters hooters on a girl that's dumb." The Bundy family credo.

If I ruled the world, everyone that had over an A cup, it would be mandatory to wear a bra. That goes for women AND men!

Fact: all of the "facts" I'm getting for this post I'm getting from Wikipedia and/or the internet. And as we all know, if you get info from the internet, it must be true!(sarcasm)

Fact: "The breast is the upper ventral region of the torso of a primate, in left and right sides, which in a female contains themammary gland that secretes milk used to feed infants.

Both men and women develop breasts from the same embryological tissues. However, at puberty, female sex hormones, mainly estrogen, promote breast development, which does not occur in men, due to the higher amount of testosterone. As a result, women's breasts become far more prominent than those of men."   

Did I mention I'm kind of drunk right now?

But anyway, lets get back to the subject. 

Charo, 30 D cup size

Jamie Lee Curtis, 34-C

Carol Bunett, 33-A

Ursula from the Little Mermaid, has some big titties.  

FACT: Most women are walking around with the wrong bra on! 

Kathy Bates, unknown

Tyra Banks, she's DUMB! But she has a 34-C

Uma Thurman, actually has a 34 C! And she has ugly feet. If you've seen Kill Bill, you know!

Carrie Fisher, 36-C

Whoopi Goldber, no one wants to know about Whoopi's boobs!

Halle Berry, can't act for shit(Cat Woman) but she has a 36-C

Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Julio Iglesias are all whores! But the first two have boobs.

Dolly Parton, she has some boobs! 

The End

Ben's Game of Thrones Recap

GAME OF THRONES PRIMER   HBO’s excellent series Game of Thrones just barely started its second season. This show is totally awesome, guys. I think you should watch it, but I realize it can be intimidating to start in the middle of something with such a complex storyline. That is why I’m offering this recap of what’s gone down so far. This is really a public service, as I see it, and it’s way easier than picking up trash on the side of the road.   So, Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones. Basically they call the show that because a whole lot of different people are trying to be the one that sits on this throne. They call it the Iron Throne because one bad-ass king in the older past made it out of melting the swords of all of his enemies, which probably hurts your ass like hell, but looks pretty sweet. Too bad none of his enemies were attacking him with cushions.   Okay, so at the beginning there are a bunch of different families, okay? And the whole thing is set in like knight times with kings and armor and shit. Oh, but it’s not like our Earth, it’s like another sorta version of Earth, like in the Lord of the Rings movies. So there’s the Stark family up in the cold and frozen north and they’re always all like, “Oh shit, winter is coming,” which is apparently a big deal because maybe they have like winters every year and shit like we do, but they definitely have these big mega winters that come without any sort of schedule, and last for years and years, and maybe even scary monsters come out during these winters. Like some of the kids haven’t even lived through a winter yet. It’s a little weird that they don’t have a different word for the other winter, if you ask me. Seems like it would be confusing. At first, their main Stark guy cut some dude’s head off, then was like taking care of shit at his house in the north where he lived, but then the king made him go down to the capital city, King’s Landing, so he tried to take care of shit there, and I was all, “Oh shit, go Game of Thrones! Fuck shit up!” but then he went and got his head cut off because it turns out he was played by Sean Biehn, whose contract states his character can never survive anything.   Before he got all de-domed, Sean was helping out his old buddy, the king. I kinda dug this dude, because he was an old school Henry the VIII style king with the fucking and drinking and hunting and shit. I was saying, “Oh shit, Game of Thrones, you’re kinda fat sloppy, but you’re sorta charming, like a pig with personality.” He made Sean be “The Hand of the King” which sounds too close to “The Hand Job of the King” I sometimes think, but it’s like the second in command. Which, as you know, can be a shitty position to be in, and Sean Biehn’s head on a pike would probably agree. But all that didn’t happen on the king’s watch. He was just sorta kinging around, not doing anything. I was saying, “Oh shit, Game of Thrones, aren’t you going to do shit?” and then he got straight up gored by a boar he was hunting! So that meant that Robert Baratheon wasn’t king anymore. He died the way he lived – being gored by a boar.   Okay, then there’s the Lannisters, who are a bunch of blonde, mean, rich jerks, except maybe for the one who’s a little person, who is a whoremongering drunk but very cool and likeable. He’s all about strategy and thinking things through, and he’s pretty dark. His brother was the one that killed the king before Baratheon, who they call “The Mad King” which is the kind of nickname monarchs only get AFTER some dude kills them. You don’t call an insane king insane to his face, unless you have some sort of crazy death wish, you fool. So, they call that one “Kingslayer” which means “king slayer” not “king’s layer”, in case you’re wondering. No, he doesn’t have any time to be fucking the king, because his favorite hobby is fucking his own sister! Which is gross and all, and apparently frowned upon, but then the Mad King’s family all apparently wed bro to sis all the time, so it’s maybe a double standard. Oh, and they’re even twins! That’s somehow grosser! His sister was Sarah Connor on the Terminator TV series, but blonde now so she can fit in with this blonde family. She was married to Baratheon before he got all boar-gored, but instead of bearing him heirs (which was totally her job, I’m not being sexist, that’s just the way it is), she went and beared heirs to her twin brother! He’s played by the dude from that show New Amsterdam where he was immortal but the show sure wasn’t because it got cancelled fucking fast. But ain’t nobody know she had these incest bastards (good punk band name) until Headless Game of Thrones figured it out (which sorta led to his head removal, courtesy of the incest bastard king, Game of Thrones). So, her kid ascended to the throne when Baratheon fucked with the wrong boar, and now he’s all, “I’m Game of Thrones, bitches, I’m going to hold Sean Biehn’s daughter here in the capital city.”   Meanwhile, away from all these Europe-looking places, there’s another blonde brother/sister pair, with total incest vibes, but just vibes, not straight doing it like those other two. They’re the kids of the Mad King, and they’re on the run because Baratheon’s totally going to kill them, because he’s like, “Oh, so you two Game of Thrones want my fucking throne? Fuck to the that!” Their symbol is the dragon, and the chick starts off pretty soft, but by the time we catch up to now she’s a total bad-ass, and promises to get even bad-asser. Her brother marries her off to this dude who played Conan in the new Conan movie. He’s pretty much like Genghis Kahn or something, he’s in charge of this whole horde of “barbarians” that think killing people at a wedding is good luck. Almost Klingon-like in their war-loving ways. So, I’m watching her come up in this horde and I’m like, “Oh snap, Game of Thrones, you’re totally adapting to this horde lifestyle!” She even ate a horse’s heart (raw) once in front of the whole horde and was like, “Suck it, bitches! Bring me dessert!” Her brother got uppity and the Conan guy decided to kill him by POURING MOLTEN GOLD ON HIS HEAD! Like, “Hey, here’s a fucking crown for you, sissy boy!” And I was like, “Shit shit shit! You’re not Game of Thrones anymore, bitch!” It was dope and very brutal.   After Sean Biehn’s total headectomy, his oldest son was like, “Fuck. That.” and said, “Hey, all these other hard northern dudes. You swore oaths to my family, and I’m calling that shit in.” So all these hard northern dudes were like, “No, you’re a bitch,” and he said, “Oh yeah, would a bitch sic his giant-ass dire wolf on you and have him eat your fingers?” and the wolf totally ate the guy’s fingers and the guy said, “Fuck me in my northern ass, that was totally shit-crazy! Let’s keep drinking beer or mead or whatever and now I’m even more loyal than ever, even though I’m fucking mangled.” Sometimes being bad-ass doesn’t make a lot of sense.   Oh shit the wolves! I just mentioned the one and I forgot about that. Okay, so all the families have their symbols, like heraldry. Like the symbol for Guinness is that harp or something. So the family in the north, Sean Biehn’s family, the Starks, their symbol is a wolf. And one day they find a bunch of baby wolves, but they’re not even regular wolves they’re “dire wolves” which apparently means, “Like a wolf, but the size of a horse, and murderous, and loyal as fuck, and can apparently take orders.” They don’t show up that often, but it’s pretty cool when they do. But guess what else they have on this show? Fucking dragons! When Game of Thrones’s husband the Conan dude got killed fucking murdering a guy for shit-talking his wife (it was a sweet fight – he basically threw away his daggers and killed the guy by ripping out his tongue bare-handed, but then got an infection and kinda died like a bitch, which makes you really say praise to penicillin), Game of Thrones took these dragon eggs, and basically people on the show believe in dragons, but they say they’re all extinct, and then she said, “Okay, fuck this, my brutal husband is dead, so let’s burn his shit, because that’s what we do,” and they burned him on a funeral pyre, and then she straight up walked right into it with the dragon eggs! And stayed there all night until the fire burned out, and at the end of it she was naked as fuck because her clothes burned off, but there wasn’t a mark on her and the dragon eggs had hatched and now she’s got three baby dragons! Those shits are gonna fuck up some wolves when they get bigger, I have no doubt! Do you see any other Game of Thrones with even one dragon? Because I don’t.   So, the other Sean Biehn kid is a bastard, and apparently that’s fucking tough shit for him because it essentially means his life is fucked and he can’t do shit. He will never be Game of Thrones. So he decides he’s going to join the Night’s Watch, which is these dudes that are like the French Foreign Legion and they sit on this big ass wall which essentially is all like, “Hey, Wall of China? Fucking suck these wall-nuts, because you’re basically like a kid’s sand castle compared to me.” It’s like a giant fucking wall that keeps the northernmost part of the world separated from the regular people because apparently there’s wild people and monsters there. At first I was like, “Whatever, monsters,” but when I saw dragons and dire wolves and shit, I started thinking, “Uh oh! Monsters!” There was even this dead dude that came back to life until the bastard’s wolf attacked it, so you know some shit is going to go down.   Baratheon has two brothers, one of whom is gay (which apparently would be bad press if it got out), and one of whom is a total soldier dude who helped Baratheon get the throne in the first place. They both know that Game of Thrones is a bastard, so they think he doesn’t deserve the throne, and they do, so they’ve got their armies out and they were about to face off when Game of Thrones’s sexy/fucking priestess/advisor/whatever the hell she is, get this, fucking GAVE BIRTH to a smoke demon and sent it out to kill the gay dude, so his army was like, “Oh, sorry, Game of Thrones, we’ll follow you now.”   Oh, by the way, Sien Biehn’s family a long time ago took in this one dude who’s family rebelled in the past so they’re not well regarded, but apparently now that he hooked up with his real father again, the father is like, “Let’s use our naval superiority to fuck shit up!” and the guy is like, “Yeah, fuck Sean Biehn for raising me, I’m totally going to betray that shit!” So this dude is now in charge of a sailing ship and he’s all, “I’m fucking Game of Thrones of the sea! Ahoy!”   So, ever since they lopped off his dad’s head, we have Game of Thrones with all his northern dudes, fighting against Game of Thrones’s blonde, rich family. They each have hostages on each side, and they’re fighting each other, and Game of Thrones is basically saying, “I’m seceding, and I’m going to be King in the North, but first I’m going to fucking kill Game of Thrones for having my dad killed.” Meanwhile, Game of Thrones, the Mad King’s daughter, is trying to raise her dragons and get a big enough horde to come back and fuck things up her own way, with dragons raining down fire from above, Game of Thrones is trying to gain some naval strength to attack from the sea, and Game of Thrones just fucked up his brother’s shit, via smoke attack (super effective).   Oh, and if that weren’t intrigue enough, one of Baratheon’s bastard sons, who is in a way a more legitimate heir than the bastard king Game of Thrones, has been hanging out with one of Sean Biehn’s daughters, who’s posing as a dude, and they’ve both been taken by the blond asshole family and have to be secret because they’d both be good hostages/targets, and now Sean Biehn’s bastard is up north of the wall looking for monsters, and basically ready to come into his own as a total ranger killmachine.   That’s basically it! So, now you can watch and you’ll know what’s going on when people put swords in each other and you can say, “Fuck yeah! Go, Game of Thrones! Look out! Game of Thrones is behind you!” I hope you enjoy! Next time I’ll give you a recap of AMC’s Mad Men so you can figure out if Mad Men really killed a chick, or if he was just dreaming; what’s going to happen to Mad Men now that he’s divorcing his wife; and why Mad Men gave that guy a hando in the movie theatre. Ben "Whoever heard of a Charlie in a box?"

Free Comic Book Day!

Here's another one by Ben. Enjoy!

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY!

That's right, true believers, this Saturday, May 5, 2012 is Free Comic Book Day! Head out to your local comic book shop (support local businesses, please), and if they're participating, and I think they better be, they'll have a whole selection of free comics for you! Please note, these are not free vintage comics, they are all brand-new comics that are made specifically for this event by various publishers as a way to showcase talent, try to get new readership, and to spread the idea of comic book reading in general. The procedure varies from store to store, so I can't give you any tips on how it will go down at your local shop. Sometimes you get there and they have them all out on a table and tell you to help yourself, but it's more likely that they will have a system for limiting how many you grab (I've seen five per customer pretty frequently be the limit). While you're there, at the shop, why not let this event be a loss leader and buy a comic or two? There's a lot of good stuff out there these days. I recommend checking out The Goon, Smoke and Mirrors, Saga, and/or The New Deadwardians. If you're near Long Beach, Pulp Fiction is a pretty great shop, I think, and they always have good prices on graphic novels. Plus, it's only a few doors down from one of RIWYP's favorite type of establishments, a bar!

End of the World

So, if the end of the world happens, why bother preparing? I mean, if every one's going to die, I say get fat and be drunk when the end happens! But if only a few people die, and we DO need to be prepared, I'll post about how to prepare in the next post...unless we're all dead!!!! Dun dun duuuun

Drinking 101

Drinking 101
Basic information every drinker should know. And a few rules to follow so you don't get spit in your drink!

A few quick tips before class begins.

When going up to the bar, have your order ready! If you're at a busy place, bartenders can't go over the entire menu with you. If you're unsure, ask for the drink menu and step to the side while you decide. Or ask your friends. Even the person standing next to you will give you suggestions if you ask. Courtesy is key.

When drinking at a bar, if for whatever reason you have to leave your drink, setting a coaster or napkin on top of your drink is a sign of, "I'll be right back." This way, the barback or busser won't take your drink. This also helps reduce the chances of you getting roofied!

Now, everyone take a seat. Class has begun.

Happy Hour: A period of the day when drinks and selected food items are sold at reduced prices in a bar or restaurant. This is the best time to get drunk on the cheap!

Well Drink: A well drink is any drink without a specified liquor. For example, if you request a "rum and cola" or "screwdriver" or "Long Island Iced Tea", rather than a "rum and Captain" or "Absolut screwdriver." Usually will be made with the cheapest, bottom-shelf liquor, which is a bargain.

Draught beer: (also known as draft beer or tap beer) is beer served in a pub or bar from a cask or keg.

When ordering a drink.
Neat: Right out of the bottle.
Up: Chilled, and served in a cocktail glass
Twist: A thin strip of citrus peel. Default is lemon.

Domestic beer: Any beer brewed within the country you are in at the time
Imported beer: Any beer brewed out of the country you are in at the time

That's it for now. But we'll be back with more info in later post.

As soon as I can think of a good way to end my post, I'll add it to the bottom of every post. But for now, "this is it."

Reading is Fundamental!

Todays post is brought to you by one Benjamin J. This is some good ish!

Reading is Fundamental!

I don’t know about you guys, but I fucking love me some RuPaul’s Drag Race. I missed the first season, simply due to not knowing it existed, but I’ve been an avid fan since the second season. Today I want to discuss something that they do which is a regular feature, occurring once per season (I think). No, I’m not talking about Snatch Game, which is their equivalent of Top Chef’s Restaurant Wars (credit to Harmonie for making that analogy). I’m talking about doing some good old reading!

For those not in the know, according to the show the drag slang term “to read” means roughly to insult, roughly to review. I’m given to understand it’s a real term, and it seems likely it comes from backstage cattiness. Picture one queen on stage, doing her thing, and two other queens cracking wise on her outfit for being too matronly, or her wig for not being humongous enough. These backstage bitches would be “reading” the onstage performer.

On Drag Race, the segment goes like this:  one queen is given a pair of “reading glasses”. She then goes down the line of the remaining queens, giving each a little bit of trash talking. The goal is to be clever and funny, and to base each insult on a grain of truth or a running theme. It’s like a Friar’s Club Roast of dudes wearing chick clothes. So, like a Friar’s Club Roast of Bea Arthur.

Now, I am not a drag queen. I’m not even an executive transvestite. Pretty much everything I know about their culture is filtered through Miss Ru’s little show, which is over the top, played up, shilly to the extreme, and essentially not a documentary (or docky-wocky, as they’re called). Regardless, I think I have a pretty good idea about why the queens do this, based on observation and analysis. In fact, I believe the segment is a natural evolution of real behaviors. Much like Restaurant Wars, in fact.

One, they’re dudes. Under all the makeup, the fake boobs, the padded butts, and the extraordinary wigs, they’re dudes. And dudes rip on each other. That’s a pretty significant part of the dude personality. Speaking in general terms, if two guys are getting along, they’re probably spending a not-insignificant portion of their time insulting each other. Or punching. It’s how we roll. Any slight difference is pounced upon, expanded upon, and referenced continuously. Much like the “reading”, it tends to not be malicious. For example, my friend Kelly is a year and a month older than me. Most of the world’s population is older than him, yet he is the butt of all of our age jokes. I know it’s ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop me from asking him how delicious the turkey was at the first Thanksgiving, or if he was sad when Caesar crossed the Rubicon and he couldn’t go with him because he was already too old.

Two, they’re drag queens. I can’t exactly imagine the kind of bullying each one has had to put up with over the years, in some form or another. There’s a couple of ways of dealing with bullies, and my favorite has always been humor. Laugh at yourself before they can laugh at you. Barring that, you can laugh at them with your friends later. Being into drag tends to be a filter. You don’t get a lot of queens that don’t have a sense of humor. If you take your cross-dressing too seriously, then you likely either do it at home behind closed doors, or out in the world and try to pass. Either way, you don’t put on a wig the size of Marmaduke, lip synch with elaborate choreography, and call yourself a “diva”. These queens’ experience with bullying, and their senses of humor come together perfectly in the desire to “read” their friends (or competitors) and to take their turn being “read”. It’s all in good fun, it’s not vicious (normally), and it takes away some of the power of others to hurt you.

Finally, the “reading” is done in a session. Of course, they may insult each other and fight for real on other occasions, but the idea of stopping everything and beginning a “reading”, going straight through it, then ending it and going back to normal is like a pressure release. It’s a tension-breaker. And if I understand the things these queens go through to look like they do, I can understand the need for a tension-breaker.

So, that’s my analysis of a phenomenon that may just be made up for a television show that I watch. Stay tuned for next time when I analyze the crippling, addictive compulsion modern consumers feel toward spending by exploring an episode of Supermarket Sweep.