We went to a local bar. He was nervous about being interviewed. We had a few beers. Took a few shots to relax everyone. Including myself. It's not everyday I get to interview a sloth!
Me: Hello sloth. thank you for joining me.
Sloth: Uhh, yeah. Thanks for having me. And thanks for all the drinks!(high five) I really wanted this to happen. I'm hoping I can clear up some of those nasty rumors that have been going around about me and my kind.
Me: I'm sorry, this is every unprofessional of me. But I don't think I ever got your name...
Sloth: (With a snotty tone) I'm a sloth! We don't label ourselves like you humans. I don't have a name. But if you'd like to name me, brand me, keep me in a box, YOU can refer to me as Ronny.
Me: Oh, well...yeah. That would make it easier for me and my readers. So "Ronny", can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Ronny: I'm originally from Central/South America. My family moved around a lot while I was growing up. But I spent most of my time in the trees. It was great!
Me: What political party do you associate yourself with?
Ronny: That's kind of a personal question. I'd prefer not to answer that. That's like asking me about my religious views or asking me what my favorite sexual position is? I'll keep that to myself...until I get drunker! hahaha
Me: You're correct. I forgot the first rule about drinking. Never bring up politics or religion when drinking. Lets move on. I hear you're a little poop shy?
Ronny: WOW! haha. I wouldn't say I'm poop shy, I'd say I'm courteous about my bowel movements. I'm not a savage like birds. I would never poop from the top a tree. I like to come down to the grown to do my business. I take a great risk by doing this. Because I am "rapid-impaired", while on the ground, I'm vulnerable to attacks by any number of my enemies. And I DO have enemies! As the kids say, "haters gunna hate."
Me: Oh. Well, since you mentioned your, "haters." People have commented on rumors that have been floating around the Internet. Such as, "your family uses drugs and are bulimic."
Ronny: Yeah, I've read those comments. I can honestly say, those rumors are fales!
Me: Can you elaborate on that?
Ronny: People don't care about the truth! They hear one thing that's partially true and they run with it, blowing it out of proportion. The truth is, yes, I HAVE had family members that have passed away. People don't understand that a sloth's metabolism is different then humans. Some times we'll die because our metabolism slows down too much, even with a full stomach! We can starve to death even if our bellies are full of food! And yes, I do know other sloths that have gotten theirs arms confused for tree branches and have fallen to their deaths. It happens in my world! That doesn't mean we're drug users. We just get confused sometimes!
And this is the part where "Ronny" got up from his stool and walked out....ever slowly walked out the door.
And this is why you should never meet your heroes. You'll just find out they'er human, or in this case, a sloth that's kind of a dick!
