Just the Tip

My Kind of Beer Review #4

I've started doing YouTube videos. Because writing is hard!

The Doctor Is In

RING RING

Receptionist: Hello

Marty: HI! Is the doctor in?

Receptionist: Doctor....who?

Marty: The 4th one!? No wait! Dr. Moreau!

Receptionist: I'm sorry, Dr. Moreau isn't in right now. He's on vacation.

Marty: Where is he? When will he be back?!?

Receptionist: I'm not really sure when he'll be back. He just said he was going on vacation. He said something about an island. The only doctors that are in right now are, Dr. Brown and Dr. Lecter. Oh no, I'm sorry. It looks like Dr. Lectet is a little tied up right now. Would you like to talk to Dr. Brown?

Marty: Yeah. Sure, that's fine.

Receptionist: Please hold.

20 min later

Dr. Brown: Hello?

Marty: DOC! It's me! Marty!

Dr. Brown: Oh, hello Marty. What can I do for you?

Marty: Doc, I have a question. I think I have tapeworms! I mean....I think my DOG has tapeworms. What should I do? A friend of a friend said that I could kill them off by drinking scotch or rum! Is this true.

Dr. Brown: Marty, maybe you should take your....dog to the hospital. Get him checked out.

Marty: DOC! I'm running out of  time!

Dr. Brown: Alright, alright. Calm down. Let me check WebMD, and by WebMD I mean my books....

Well, according to...my books... If you were to drop a tapeworm into a glass of strong alcohol, it WOULD shrivel up and die. Unfortunately, most tapeworms live in the intestines of animals, not in your stomach. By the time the alcohol got to the tapeworms, your body would have already absorbed it into your blood stream. They might get a good buzz, but it won't kill them. 

Marty: Oh. Thanks Doc! I guess I'll be making an appointment when I sober up. I'll make an appointment for my dog, I mean!

Then Marty passed out and fell on his dog. His dogs name was Lucky.

My First Interview

Today we have a special post. Today I get to write about one of my heroes!

We went to a local bar. He was nervous about being interviewed. We had a few beers. Took a few shots to relax everyone. Including myself. It's not everyday I get to interview a sloth!

Me: Hello sloth. thank you for joining me.

Sloth: Uhh, yeah. Thanks for having me. And thanks for all the drinks!(high five) I really wanted this to happen. I'm hoping I can clear up some of those nasty rumors that have been going around about me and my kind. 

 

Me: I'm sorry, this is every unprofessional of me. But I don't think I ever got your name...

Sloth: (With a snotty tone) I'm a sloth! We don't label ourselves like you humans. I don't have a name. But if you'd like to name me, brand me, keep me in a box, YOU can refer to me as Ronny.

Me: Oh, well...yeah. That would make it easier for me and my readers. So "Ronny", can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Ronny: I'm originally from Central/South America. My family moved around a lot while I was growing up. But I spent most of my time in the trees. It was great!

Me: What political party do you associate yourself with?

Ronny: That's kind of a personal question. I'd prefer not to answer that. That's like asking me about my religious views or asking me what my favorite sexual position is? I'll keep that to myself...until I get drunker! hahaha

Me: You're correct. I forgot the first rule about drinking. Never bring up politics or religion when drinking. Lets move on. I hear you're a little poop shy?

Ronny: WOW! haha. I wouldn't say I'm poop shy, I'd say I'm courteous about my bowel movements. I'm not a savage like birds. I would never poop from the top a tree. I like to come down to the grown to do my business. I take a great risk by doing this. Because I am "rapid-impaired", while on the ground, I'm vulnerable to attacks by any number of my enemies. And I DO have enemies! As the kids say, "haters gunna hate."

Me: Oh. Well, since you mentioned your, "haters." People have commented on rumors that have been floating around the Internet. Such as, "your family uses drugs and are bulimic."

Ronny: Yeah, I've read those comments. I can honestly say, those rumors are fales! 

Me: Can you elaborate on that?

Ronny:   People don't care about the truth! They hear one thing that's partially true and they run with it, blowing it out of proportion. The truth is, yes, I HAVE had family members that have passed away. People don't understand that a sloth's metabolism is different then humans. Some times we'll die because our metabolism slows down too much, even with a full stomach! We can starve to death even if our bellies are full of food! And yes, I do know other sloths that have gotten theirs arms confused for tree branches and have fallen to their deaths. It happens in my world! That doesn't mean we're drug users. We just get confused sometimes!

And this is the part where "Ronny" got up from his stool and walked out....ever slowly walked out the door. 

And this is why you should never meet your heroes. You'll just find out they'er human, or in this case, a sloth that's kind of a dick!

Day Drinking

What's day drinking?

Day drinking is when you drink during the day.

I normally "day drink" when I'm on vacation or when I have nothing better to do.

It's great! You can get drunk before noon, nap before 1pm, sober up before 5pm and then start drinking again before 8pm.

My Teef Hurt.

FACT! I just drank a bottle of wine. I HAD to finish it! While I was pulling the cork out, I accidentally slammed the bottle on the counter top. The bottle got a little crack in it. So I had to finish the bottle! Everyone knows that booze starts to go bad as soon as you open the bottle. But now I'm thinking, "I hope I don't have any glass in my guts"

I just got an email about, "The coldest beer in town." In the email, they're bragging about how they have "ice cold beer". They serve there beer at 37 degrees.

After reading some of the email, I was like, "That's WAY too cold!" From what I remember, the colder you serve beer, the less you can taste the flavors. The delicate aromas are lost. Depending on the beer, it's best served  at around 42 degrees. Unless it's a darker beer like a stout or a porter. In Europe, they serve beer at room temperature. I got that fact from watching BBC America!

Oh wait! I finished reading the email. Yeah, they're talking about Bud Light. I was thinking they were talking about craft beers. Yeah, that's probably better that you don't taste it.

I guess you're correct random email! It's best that I don't taste THAT kind of beer. Any beer where CORN is the main ingredient, you probably don't want to really taste it.

I'm not your dad and I know I shouldn't tell you what to do, but I'm going to say this, "FUCK Anheuser Busch!" I'll elaborate on that statement later. It's sleep time now!

And This Little Piggy Went to the Bank!

Homer Simpson

Lisa honey, are you saying that you're never going to eat another animal again?

What about bacon?

Lisa Simpson

No.

Homer Simpson

Ham?

Lisa Simpson

No!

Homer Simpson

Pork chops!?

Lisa Simpson

DAD! THOSE ALL COME FROM THE SAME ANIMAL!

Homer Simpson

He he! Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, MAGICAL animal. He he he.

Yes Homer! All those delicious meats come from a magical animal, the pig! 

Pigs are magical? 

You must be thinking I'm a mad man! You must be thinking, "Pigs are filthy animals! I know cuz I've seen Pulp Fiction. In the movie, they say that pigs sleep and root in it's own shit." This MAY be a true statement, but they still are yummy! Not only do they taste great in my mouth, they'll soon be great for an organ transplant! An alcoholic's dream come true!

According to the Huffington Post, BBC News and several other new sites, animal to human transplants(also known as Xenotransplantation) are right around the corner! Maybe within the next five years!

I'm starting tomorrow! Tomorrow I will buy a pig. The day after that, I will buy a farm. And after that, I will be taking online orders for organs! And no, my farm will NOT be like the book, Animal Farm! I will treat the animals with respect. The animals will love me, until it's too late for them! And then I will have ALL the money and ALL the livers! *maniacal laugh*

The future is NOW! And by now I mean tomorrow. And tomorrow I'll still be waiting for my hoverboard!!!! 

Bottle 1.

Happy New Beer Day! I suggest you go out and try a new beer today. Why? Why not!?

Today I'm going to attempt to do my first ever beer review! The first time is always a little scary. But I'll do it anyway!

Beer: Tangerine Wheat Ale by Lost Coast Brewery

Beer Style: Fruit Beer(A generic form of flavored beer, some breweries actually use real fruit or veggies, though most use an extract, syrup or processed flavor to give the effect of a particular fruit or vegetable. Usually ales, but with not much ale character to them and commonly unbalanced. Malt flavor is typically hidden with a low hop bitterness to allow the fruit or vegetable to dominate.) - Beer Advocate

ABV(alcohol by volume): 5.0%



Now that we know what we're drinking, LET'S DRINK! But lets use all of our senses. And don't forget that, this is my personal opinion. Everyone has different taste.



Sight: It's gold in color but with some haze and a tad bit amberish. Like when you're drunk and looking at a sunflower, but not a real one. The color is more like drunkenly looking at a Vincent van Gogh sunflower painting...kind of.

Hearing: When I put my ear to the glass, I hear hundreds of popping sounds. As if carbonation is natures bubble wraps. Or something like that?

Taste: A little thin(not watery. I'm just use to very bold flavors, like from an IPA or Stout) I didn't really taste much when it first hit my tongue, but as I swallowed(that's what she said), the flavors started to come out more. Citrus, tangy but with a dry finish. Also, I didn't mind the burp taste. That would be the taste left in your mouth after you burp.

Smell: Straight up tangerines! Well, more like artificial tangerines, but still.

Touch: It was wet and cold.

Awkward Nation!

Warning! Parts of this post are gross and will offend you. Enjoy!

I hate my body when I burp and some vomit comes up.

That awkward moment when you poop, it plops and then the splash back O_o

Stepping bearfoot on a Lego! #FirstWorldProblems

In the middle of the day, remembering that you only put deodorant under one arm. (I hope I'm not alone in this one)

The End

Release the Kraken? NO SIR!

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT TIME

Carlos is looking at himself in the mirror reflection of his phone while on the toilet, pooping. Carlos is talking to himself.

CARLOS

Cool story bro! Tell it again! Next time you 

should add some dragons and shit!

Voice in head

Dragons? That's a GREAT idea! I love dragons! 

I wish dragons were real!

CARLOS

I hope you're just drunk and don't really mean that!?

Voice in head

Heck yeah I mean it!!! It'd be awesome if dragons were real! Seeing them flying around, I would love to live in a world where dragons, unicorns, fairies and other magical/mythical creatures roamed the earth!

CARLOS

(mumbles under breath) You're a fairy. 

Voice in head

WHAT!?!

CARLOS

Nothing! I was just saying that, that's a horrible idea!

Voice in head

No it's not! I've seen How to Train a Dragon! It's possible to train them!

CARLOS

First off, that's a cartoon movie. Hollywood spins lies and fairy tales. Second of all, if dragons were real, they'd be a WILD animal, which would make them untrainable, just ask Siegfried and Roy about training wild animals!

Voice in head

Too soon!

CARLOS

Too soon? Siegfried and/or Roy got mauled in 2003! 

Voice in head

But still...

CARLOS

Anyways, what I'm saying is, if dragons were real, they would be flying around, recking havoc, destroying buildings, and giving everyone irritable bowel syndrome! They wouldn't be fun and cute. They wouldn't be the way Hollywood makes them out to be. Unless you're referring to Harry Potter. That dragon was out for blood!

Voice in head

Why must you always kill my dreams?

CARLOS

It's the only hobby I have.

Onion Friends

"Onion Friends", are just like an onion. 

There are different layers, different levels of friendship. Some of them, you can throw away and some of them you want to keep and savor for a while. 

Some of them you'll talk to about your weekend. Some of them will know how much sexing you got this weekend. 

One layer will know about your family.

One layer will know about your inner most thoughts. 

One layer will except you no matter what you say.

One layer you throw away after you realize they're not as good as they seemed at first. 

But in the end, you'll know which ones you want to keep around.  

No, That's Not What You Think It Is!

For whatever reason, I was thinking about my fake friend Bimmy. I was thinking about him and his fake third nipple, which made me think about what other celebrities have a third nipple?!

I googled "celebrities with three nipples" this is the list of celebrities that came up.

Mark Wahalberg. From what I understand, he's really proud of his third nipple! And I say...GOOD FOR HIM!

Tildda Swinton. I'm not surprised that she has a third nipple! But really, can't we also assume she has an oversized clit...aka an undersized dick!? And I say this with much respect! I love her work and I think she's an amazing performer.

Carrie Underwood. She had a third nipple. She hated her third nipple. She removed her third nipple. Carrie needs to learn how to love herself before she can love anyone else!

Lily Allen. She's also proud of her third nipple! She's been know to pull it out during interviews. She's also told people that "it" gets hard when you touch it. And I'm like, "most things get hard when you touch it!" ZING!

I kind of wish I had a third nipple!? But do I really want a third nipple? Or is it more like that fool next door having a greener lawn?

I'm just saying.

Curl Into A Ball

Today we'll talk about celebrities that can kick my butt!



Jason Statham. YES! He can kick my butt! He's had years of martial arts training!

Chuck Norris. HE'S F'ING CHUCK NORRIS! So YEAH, he'd kill me!

Betty White. She seems like she would cheat during a fight! And she sold her soul to the devil, so I'm sure she would win.

Wayne Brady. Is he considered a celebrity? Either way, he'd kick my butt.

Paula Deen, Paul McCartney, Matthew McConaughey, Tome Jones, dead Whitney Huston, Michael J. Fox, Webster, can all kick my butt!

So what I'm trying to say is, I need to buy a gun!

What Tequila Means to Me

According to Alton Brown from the show Good Eats...I added my own opinions as well. 

1. Tequila is made from the blue agave plant.
2. Tequila can only legally be called tequila if it's produced in specific areas such as Jalisco, Guanajuato, Michoacan, Nayarit, Tamaulipas. Any agave made spirits made outside those areas is called "miscal".
3. There are two categories of tequila. 100% agave made tequila and mixto tequilas which by law only has to contain 51% agave. The rest is just...jiz and spit. I'm assuming!? Maybe some bleach as well to kill the jiz and spit bacteria?! 



Within the 100% proof "agave territory", there are several types of classifications. 

Blanco/White. Straight from the still.
Resposado"rested". Tequila aged in oak barrels 2months to 11months and 30days.
Añejo"aged". Tequila aged from 1year to 2years 11months and 30days.
Extra Añejo. Tequila aged for 3years or more in wood....That's what she said! Ok, so maybe "that's what she said," didn't work this time.

Good quality tequila is the longer the tequila is suppose to be sipped and savoured.

If you just want to take shots and get F'ed up, go with the cheap plastic bottles! 

Just like good sake, it's suppose to be sipped. Unless it's crappy sake, then just tilt your head back and swallow as fast as possible! "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!" 

All The Cool Kids Do It

  What ever happened to Joe camel and the Marlboro Man? Remember when smoking use to be cool? I remember watching Grease, the scene at the end when Olivia Newton John comes out in her black slutty leather. I remember seeing that and thinking, "Yeah, she's a bad bitch! She's so bad that it's good!" Or what about in other films where people are smoking, looking badass!?

  What happened to the good times? Oh yeah, we learned that smoking gives you cancer, emphysema and it really messes up your skin. But lets put all that aside. Lets ignore the fact that smoking makes your breath, clothing and everything around you smell like butt. Lets be positive about smoking. Lets all remember how cool you look while smoking!

  So what I'm trying to say is, we're all going to die. Everything gives you cancer. No one really wants to live to the age of one hundred. Unless you're into pooping your pants and having other people clean you. But if you're not into that, I say start smoking! Start looking cool! Because, if everyone else is doing it, you should as well.

27 Club

So you want to be a rock super star, live large, a big house, five cars and so on and so on...

I've never been in any clubs, they seem like fun. We'll, most of them seem fun. Not so much the 27 club. For those of you that don't know what the "27 club" is, I'll tell you!

The 27 club is a term used to refer to celebrities that have passed away at the age of 27. And there's a bunch of them!

(Someone should come up with a 27 club t-shirt. Maybe something like, "27 club, new members wanted" or something funny? But someone should make a t-shirts!)

Here are a few of the more well known celebs that have joined the 27 club.

Joseph Merrick(The Elephant Man) Died, in April of 1890
Brian Jones(guitarist for The Rolling Stones) Died, July 3, 1969. Drowned

Jimi Hendrix. Died, September 18, 1970. Asphyxiation...allegedly  

Janis Joplin. Died, October 4, 1970 Heroin overdose(equal rights in full affect!)

Jim Morrison. Died, July 3, 1971. Heart failure...I'm guessing it was the drugs. A lot of drugs! 

There's a lot of other people, but I'm just sticking to the biggest ones(that's what she said)

Kurt Cobain. Died, April 5, 1995. Suicide by shotgun

Amy Winehouse. Died July 23, 2011. Alcohol poisoning...and tons of drugs!!!

Fact: Lindsay Lohan turns 27 next year. At the rate she's going, she'll get her membership card soon enough. 

Hmm? Why is it mostly musicians???? Oh yeah! Sex, drugs AND rock & roll. Them some crazy mix!

Honorable mentions. A short list of celebrities that we're a little early/late to join the club

River Phoenix, 23. DRUGS
James Dean, 23. Car crash
Heath Ledger, 28. DRUGS
Brittany Murphy, 32. DRUGS
John Belushi, 33. DRUGS

So what did we learn today? Don't be a celebrity if you're going to use drugs. And, celebrities are bad at math and chemistry

No Seamen for Me!

  Do you remember being young, and day dreaming about being a sailor or pirate, sailing around the world. Traveling to the edge of the world in search of riches and booty(yes, I said booty. The sexing kind!) Did you fantasized about eating salted meats and drinking rum all day? If you dreamt of that lifestyle, you are dumb!

  You must have not considered the lame factor of being out at sea for an extended period of time in the 15th-16th century, or whenever pirates lived? Back then, there was nothing to do at sea but have gay butt sex and get scurvy!

 If you ask me, I would not want to get scurvy! Scurvy is a disease that occurs when you have a severe lack of vitamin C (ascorbic acid) in your diet. It causes general weakness, anemia, gum disease, and skin hemorrhages. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000355.htm

 So what I'm trying to say is, have all the butt sex you want! Just make sure to eat some limes or oranges every once in a while.

Hello, My Name Is...

It  was $2 Margaritas at Acapulco today

Do you ever get the urge to talk to random strangers about trivial things like the weather? Do you enjoy learning personal information about your coworkers lives? Coworkers you can't really stand to be around? If so, here are a few things you can do to make new friends!

Read a book; Nothing says, "please tell me about your problems" like reading a book or reading the newspaper

Wear headphones; This is the international sign of, "come talke to me." Everyone knows you don't really care about the music you're pretending to listen too. You really just want a friend to talk to.

Be sick!; If you do this one, you're just an attention whore! Being sick at work or when you're out and about is only done by those that LOVE attention! All day long people will talk about you, to you. They'll make comments like, "YOU look terrible" or "YOU should go home" or they'll give you advice you didn't ask for.


Fin


This post was written while on a sarcasm high!

Drunk is the new Hungry

Stone Cold Sober :(

So this one time, at Big Lots. Well, it didn't start off at Big Lots. The story should have started off, "This one time, at an Italian restaurant, where the beers were inexpensive..."

But anyway...

You know how they say, you shouldn't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. You shouldn't go to Big Lots, Target or Best Buy after you've been drinking!

I bought a Shake Weight.
I kind of have been using the Shake Weight.
The Shake Weight is kind of working.

I also bought a toothbrush, some KISS pint glasses, some energy drinks and a bag of sand. I'm not sure why I got the bag of sand.

I See The Football, Where's The Fantasy?

Sober Post :(

I joined my first ever fantasy football league last night. I don't know much about the sport, but I do love to talk smack. Which was is what really attracted to this league(I'll be playing against co-workers/friends who also talk smack. It'll be like being at home for the holidays!) Also, there isn't any money involved that I will be winning.

Fact: Sports gambling is illegal in the state of California...for now!

Since I don't rally know players nor teams, my strategy was simple. Get drunk and pick the prettiest/blackest/funkiest names. From what I've noticed, those are usually the best players.

Team name; Almost Drunk. Because at the time...I was almost drunk.

Let's hope beginners luck is a real thing!?


Writing while sober is so much more challenging then after having a few drinks! Hemingway would not approve of this!