Ben Reviews Starbucks Freebies - Based Solely on the Cards

Hello, everyone. This may be the first of a continuing feature around here entitled "Ben Reviews Starbucks Freebies - Based Solely on the Cards."

You see, the local independent coffee house, Starbucks (now with more than 5 locations), in addition to tasty beverages with silly size names, has offered, for a while, free digital downloads of...things. At first it was just songs, which would have been easier to describe. I could have said, "Starbucks gives out free song downloads," and be done with it. This era, the so-called "Just Songs" era of Starbucks downloads, lasted for a while. I know I've been picking up the download cards for quite some time. I would say that a pretty fair percentage of the books in the bookshelves in my house contain a Starbucks free song download card nestled within them, resting after performing quite adequately as a bookmark. The cards are the size and shape of, and are constructed of similar material to, business cards. They used to feature the name of the band or artist, the name of the "track" (is that term hopelessly archaic now? I know they're not called "grooves", so I don't know for sure if it's a reference to vinyl, but somehow "track" is more prevalent than just saying "song", so I thought I would switch. Maybe people want to say "track" to keep the door open to discuss spoken word selections), and a picture on the front, and instructions for how to download, for free, the song (I'm taking it back. They're songs, darn it.) on the back. I've downloaded many of these songs, and I had the idea a while back to offer my reviews of the songs as part of my civic duty. Then I had the idea that I don't know dick about music, and nobody should have any reason to respect my opinion about music.

Recently, I went to a Starbucks, and had to ask the baristas where they kept the cards, because I could not see any. They reached under the counter, found several unopened boxes, and presented me with four freebie cards, in a slightly different format than that with which I am familiar, and with the strange new addition that none of these four cards are for songs! Starbucks has now branched out, it would seem, and is offering free downloads of TV episodes, books, and apps, based on my sample. With such a wide-ranging variety of free shit, now, more than ever, I MUST review them for you. I have much more experience with expressing opinions about TV episodes, books, and apps, but still, I do not think I will do a traditional review. No, instead I will do something that sharp readers have seen coming since the beginning:  I shall review these Starbucks freebies based solely on the cards!

Card:  TV Episode
Show:  Anthony Bourdain:  No Reservations
Episode:  Naples

So, apparently I can watch a whole episode of Anthony Bourdain. This is a really good idea, actually, because Anthony Bourdain is bad-ass. I like this show very much, yet I never seek it out. This should be a good one, too, because unlike some of the farther-flung places he visits, I might even actually go to Naples one day. The picture shows Anthony sitting on some sort of curb, or low cement bench sort of thing. Not the most attractive pose, because he kinda looks like he's on the can. That would be an entirely different show; Anthony Bourdain:  Pass The T.P. The picture is oddly green-washed, which looks so out of place I almost think it was an error at the printer or something. Based solely on the card, I give this TV Episode a 7 out of 10.

Card:  TV Episode
Show:  BBC America's Planet Earth
Episode:  From Pole to Pole

I've already seen this episode, so I have to take points off for that, I think. Repeats. Sheesh. Planet Earth was a brilliant show. Very cool to watch in HD. Not much plotwise, I must admit. Just a bunch of nature doing its thang. The picture shows a bunch of elephants and birds walking around somewhere, but it's shot from such a high angle that you see space and the curvature of the Earth. Something's wrong there, I don't think you should be able to see an elephant AND the curvature of the earth in the same shot. Clearly they're trying to show you, "Hey, look, elephants. That's nature, so you know this is a nature documentary. But see how the ground is all curvy and you see space up top there? Doesn't that remind you that Earth is a planet!? Branding!" I'm going to give this one a 6 out of 10.

Card:  Book
Title:  After Friday Night Lights
Author:  Buzz Bissinger

Okay, Buzz Bissinger sounds like Kim Basinger's reverse-drag queen name. I like the name Buzz. That's either some ballsy parenting (naming your kid Buzz, and hoping he leans more toward the haircut and Aldrin than toward just straight getting buzzed every night), or a dude who has taken his nickname so to heart that he publishes books under it. Either way, big ups. Unfortunately, I don't like the picture. It's just a picture of the cover of the book, apparently. It looks like a football field after dark, with the lights on, and nobody home (the football field is "home" in this sentence). Then the title is in black on the bottom of the cover on top of a big yellow patch. It looks like Cliff's Notes, but I also feel like I don't even want to read the Cliff's Notes of this book, much less the whole book. I have heard that Friday Night Lights is an okay series, but I never watched it. If this is the sequel to the book that the TV show is based on, that's not selling me too hard. 4 out of 10.

Card:  App
App:  Kayak Mobile PRO
Description:  Search trips from flight to hotel and beyond.

Guys, I think I actually used to have this app. I had it because I had Fandango, which had a big F as its icon, and I decided to get apps with U, C, and K for their icons so I could spell the f-word out in apps on my phone. It was a worthwhile use of my time, obviously. Based on how I roll, I don't feel like I need an app to search trips from flight to hotel and beyond. I guess I should say that most of my opinions are based on how I roll. Upon what other criteria could one express an opinion? Although, that "beyond" part sounds pretty good. I guess I can see searching "beyond". I had to search "beyond" the couch the other day for the dogs' tennis ball. The picture is of the app icon, which is a big white K on an orange background, but for some reason it has a black horizontal line halfway through it that doesn't help. Unless the idea was to think of those old-timey clocks where the numbers flip down into place white on black cards. There's a banner on the bottom right corner of the icon that says "Pro", which is good prestige. So, useless app, but prettyish icon, and it can help you spell naughty words. 5 out of 10

I hope you enjoyed this installment of Ben Does That Thing In The Beginning (too lazy to copy and paste). Stay tuned (because one tunes in websites, I assume) for further reviews, and keep watching the skies!

I need a better thing to go out on.