All The Cool Kids Do It

  What ever happened to Joe camel and the Marlboro Man? Remember when smoking use to be cool? I remember watching Grease, the scene at the end when Olivia Newton John comes out in her black slutty leather. I remember seeing that and thinking, "Yeah, she's a bad bitch! She's so bad that it's good!" Or what about in other films where people are smoking, looking badass!?

  What happened to the good times? Oh yeah, we learned that smoking gives you cancer, emphysema and it really messes up your skin. But lets put all that aside. Lets ignore the fact that smoking makes your breath, clothing and everything around you smell like butt. Lets be positive about smoking. Lets all remember how cool you look while smoking!

  So what I'm trying to say is, we're all going to die. Everything gives you cancer. No one really wants to live to the age of one hundred. Unless you're into pooping your pants and having other people clean you. But if you're not into that, I say start smoking! Start looking cool! Because, if everyone else is doing it, you should as well.

27 Club

So you want to be a rock super star, live large, a big house, five cars and so on and so on...

I've never been in any clubs, they seem like fun. We'll, most of them seem fun. Not so much the 27 club. For those of you that don't know what the "27 club" is, I'll tell you!

The 27 club is a term used to refer to celebrities that have passed away at the age of 27. And there's a bunch of them!

(Someone should come up with a 27 club t-shirt. Maybe something like, "27 club, new members wanted" or something funny? But someone should make a t-shirts!)

Here are a few of the more well known celebs that have joined the 27 club.

Joseph Merrick(The Elephant Man) Died, in April of 1890
Brian Jones(guitarist for The Rolling Stones) Died, July 3, 1969. Drowned

Jimi Hendrix. Died, September 18, 1970. Asphyxiation...allegedly  

Janis Joplin. Died, October 4, 1970 Heroin overdose(equal rights in full affect!)

Jim Morrison. Died, July 3, 1971. Heart failure...I'm guessing it was the drugs. A lot of drugs! 

There's a lot of other people, but I'm just sticking to the biggest ones(that's what she said)

Kurt Cobain. Died, April 5, 1995. Suicide by shotgun

Amy Winehouse. Died July 23, 2011. Alcohol poisoning...and tons of drugs!!!

Fact: Lindsay Lohan turns 27 next year. At the rate she's going, she'll get her membership card soon enough. 

Hmm? Why is it mostly musicians???? Oh yeah! Sex, drugs AND rock & roll. Them some crazy mix!

Honorable mentions. A short list of celebrities that we're a little early/late to join the club

River Phoenix, 23. DRUGS
James Dean, 23. Car crash
Heath Ledger, 28. DRUGS
Brittany Murphy, 32. DRUGS
John Belushi, 33. DRUGS

So what did we learn today? Don't be a celebrity if you're going to use drugs. And, celebrities are bad at math and chemistry

No Seamen for Me!

  Do you remember being young, and day dreaming about being a sailor or pirate, sailing around the world. Traveling to the edge of the world in search of riches and booty(yes, I said booty. The sexing kind!) Did you fantasized about eating salted meats and drinking rum all day? If you dreamt of that lifestyle, you are dumb!

  You must have not considered the lame factor of being out at sea for an extended period of time in the 15th-16th century, or whenever pirates lived? Back then, there was nothing to do at sea but have gay butt sex and get scurvy!

 If you ask me, I would not want to get scurvy! Scurvy is a disease that occurs when you have a severe lack of vitamin C (ascorbic acid) in your diet. It causes general weakness, anemia, gum disease, and skin hemorrhages. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000355.htm

 So what I'm trying to say is, have all the butt sex you want! Just make sure to eat some limes or oranges every once in a while.

Hello, My Name Is...

It  was $2 Margaritas at Acapulco today

Do you ever get the urge to talk to random strangers about trivial things like the weather? Do you enjoy learning personal information about your coworkers lives? Coworkers you can't really stand to be around? If so, here are a few things you can do to make new friends!

Read a book; Nothing says, "please tell me about your problems" like reading a book or reading the newspaper

Wear headphones; This is the international sign of, "come talke to me." Everyone knows you don't really care about the music you're pretending to listen too. You really just want a friend to talk to.

Be sick!; If you do this one, you're just an attention whore! Being sick at work or when you're out and about is only done by those that LOVE attention! All day long people will talk about you, to you. They'll make comments like, "YOU look terrible" or "YOU should go home" or they'll give you advice you didn't ask for.


Fin


This post was written while on a sarcasm high!

Drunk is the new Hungry

Stone Cold Sober :(

So this one time, at Big Lots. Well, it didn't start off at Big Lots. The story should have started off, "This one time, at an Italian restaurant, where the beers were inexpensive..."

But anyway...

You know how they say, you shouldn't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. You shouldn't go to Big Lots, Target or Best Buy after you've been drinking!

I bought a Shake Weight.
I kind of have been using the Shake Weight.
The Shake Weight is kind of working.

I also bought a toothbrush, some KISS pint glasses, some energy drinks and a bag of sand. I'm not sure why I got the bag of sand.

I See The Football, Where's The Fantasy?

Sober Post :(

I joined my first ever fantasy football league last night. I don't know much about the sport, but I do love to talk smack. Which was is what really attracted to this league(I'll be playing against co-workers/friends who also talk smack. It'll be like being at home for the holidays!) Also, there isn't any money involved that I will be winning.

Fact: Sports gambling is illegal in the state of California...for now!

Since I don't rally know players nor teams, my strategy was simple. Get drunk and pick the prettiest/blackest/funkiest names. From what I've noticed, those are usually the best players.

Team name; Almost Drunk. Because at the time...I was almost drunk.

Let's hope beginners luck is a real thing!?


Writing while sober is so much more challenging then after having a few drinks! Hemingway would not approve of this!

Make it Hard!

OMFD

On todays episode, we're going to learn a little bit about different types of alcohol. I've also decieded I'm going to mention my level of drunkeness. In post, this will be found in the upper right hand corner of the post. And as my drunkeness changed, I'll post it as I go. "S = Sober, OMFD = On My First Drink, ALB = A Little Buzzed, B = Buzzed, D = Drunk, IWRTT = I Won't Remember This Tomorrow"

Pinky up everyone! Lets get ready to drink!

Whiskey; is a type of distilled alcoholic beverage made from fermented grain mash. Different grains are used for different varieties, including barley, malted barley, rye, malted rye, wheat, and corn. Whisky is typically aged in wooden casks, made generally of charred white oak.
So, it's made from grains!

I think I'll be getting most of the info from Wikipedia. If I get it from somewhere else, I'll add a link and whatnot. I mean, everything on Wiki/the internet is 100% accurat and truthful(sarcasm)

ALB

Rum; is a distilled alcoholic beverage made from sugarcane byproducts such as molasses, or directly from sugarcane juice, by a process of fermentation and distillation. The distillate, a clear liquid, is then usually aged in oak barrels.
So, it's made from sugarcane!

I keep seeing the word "distilled." Wikipedia, what's that word mean? 

Distillation;  is a method of separating mixtures based on differences in volatilities of components in a boiling liquid mixture. Distillation is a unit operation, or a physical separation process, and not a chemical reaction.

Umm, yeah?! I still don't understand that. I'm sure if I watch Moonshiners, It'll explain it all! But anyway, lets move on...

B

Gin; is a spirit which derives its predominant flavour from juniper berries (Juniperus communis). From its earliest beginnings in the Middle Ages, gin has evolved over the course of a millennium from an herbal medicine to an object of commerce in the spirits industry. Today, the gin category is one of the most popular and widely distributed range of spirits, and is represented by products of various origins, styles, and flavor profiles that all revolve around juniper as a common ingredient.
This one kind of confused me! Soooo, it's made of berries?  

Vodka; is made by the distillation of fermented substances such as grains, potatoes, or sometimes fruits and/or sugar.
So, it's made from anything? But normally potatoes.


Well, that's it for today everyone. Happy pooping! I think I'll end all my post with that...Happy Pooping!

Oh yeah, I've been drinking Gin and Tonic while writing this. It's not my usual thing, but why not try something new?