Just the Tip

My Kind of Beer Review #4

I've started doing YouTube videos. Because writing is hard!

The Doctor Is In

RING RING

Receptionist: Hello

Marty: HI! Is the doctor in?

Receptionist: Doctor....who?

Marty: The 4th one!? No wait! Dr. Moreau!

Receptionist: I'm sorry, Dr. Moreau isn't in right now. He's on vacation.

Marty: Where is he? When will he be back?!?

Receptionist: I'm not really sure when he'll be back. He just said he was going on vacation. He said something about an island. The only doctors that are in right now are, Dr. Brown and Dr. Lecter. Oh no, I'm sorry. It looks like Dr. Lectet is a little tied up right now. Would you like to talk to Dr. Brown?

Marty: Yeah. Sure, that's fine.

Receptionist: Please hold.

20 min later

Dr. Brown: Hello?

Marty: DOC! It's me! Marty!

Dr. Brown: Oh, hello Marty. What can I do for you?

Marty: Doc, I have a question. I think I have tapeworms! I mean....I think my DOG has tapeworms. What should I do? A friend of a friend said that I could kill them off by drinking scotch or rum! Is this true.

Dr. Brown: Marty, maybe you should take your....dog to the hospital. Get him checked out.

Marty: DOC! I'm running out of  time!

Dr. Brown: Alright, alright. Calm down. Let me check WebMD, and by WebMD I mean my books....

Well, according to...my books... If you were to drop a tapeworm into a glass of strong alcohol, it WOULD shrivel up and die. Unfortunately, most tapeworms live in the intestines of animals, not in your stomach. By the time the alcohol got to the tapeworms, your body would have already absorbed it into your blood stream. They might get a good buzz, but it won't kill them. 

Marty: Oh. Thanks Doc! I guess I'll be making an appointment when I sober up. I'll make an appointment for my dog, I mean!

Then Marty passed out and fell on his dog. His dogs name was Lucky.

My First Interview

Today we have a special post. Today I get to write about one of my heroes!

We went to a local bar. He was nervous about being interviewed. We had a few beers. Took a few shots to relax everyone. Including myself. It's not everyday I get to interview a sloth!

Me: Hello sloth. thank you for joining me.

Sloth: Uhh, yeah. Thanks for having me. And thanks for all the drinks!(high five) I really wanted this to happen. I'm hoping I can clear up some of those nasty rumors that have been going around about me and my kind. 

 

Me: I'm sorry, this is every unprofessional of me. But I don't think I ever got your name...

Sloth: (With a snotty tone) I'm a sloth! We don't label ourselves like you humans. I don't have a name. But if you'd like to name me, brand me, keep me in a box, YOU can refer to me as Ronny.

Me: Oh, well...yeah. That would make it easier for me and my readers. So "Ronny", can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Ronny: I'm originally from Central/South America. My family moved around a lot while I was growing up. But I spent most of my time in the trees. It was great!

Me: What political party do you associate yourself with?

Ronny: That's kind of a personal question. I'd prefer not to answer that. That's like asking me about my religious views or asking me what my favorite sexual position is? I'll keep that to myself...until I get drunker! hahaha

Me: You're correct. I forgot the first rule about drinking. Never bring up politics or religion when drinking. Lets move on. I hear you're a little poop shy?

Ronny: WOW! haha. I wouldn't say I'm poop shy, I'd say I'm courteous about my bowel movements. I'm not a savage like birds. I would never poop from the top a tree. I like to come down to the grown to do my business. I take a great risk by doing this. Because I am "rapid-impaired", while on the ground, I'm vulnerable to attacks by any number of my enemies. And I DO have enemies! As the kids say, "haters gunna hate."

Me: Oh. Well, since you mentioned your, "haters." People have commented on rumors that have been floating around the Internet. Such as, "your family uses drugs and are bulimic."

Ronny: Yeah, I've read those comments. I can honestly say, those rumors are fales! 

Me: Can you elaborate on that?

Ronny:   People don't care about the truth! They hear one thing that's partially true and they run with it, blowing it out of proportion. The truth is, yes, I HAVE had family members that have passed away. People don't understand that a sloth's metabolism is different then humans. Some times we'll die because our metabolism slows down too much, even with a full stomach! We can starve to death even if our bellies are full of food! And yes, I do know other sloths that have gotten theirs arms confused for tree branches and have fallen to their deaths. It happens in my world! That doesn't mean we're drug users. We just get confused sometimes!

And this is the part where "Ronny" got up from his stool and walked out....ever slowly walked out the door. 

And this is why you should never meet your heroes. You'll just find out they'er human, or in this case, a sloth that's kind of a dick!

Day Drinking

What's day drinking?

Day drinking is when you drink during the day.

I normally "day drink" when I'm on vacation or when I have nothing better to do.

It's great! You can get drunk before noon, nap before 1pm, sober up before 5pm and then start drinking again before 8pm.

My Teef Hurt.

FACT! I just drank a bottle of wine. I HAD to finish it! While I was pulling the cork out, I accidentally slammed the bottle on the counter top. The bottle got a little crack in it. So I had to finish the bottle! Everyone knows that booze starts to go bad as soon as you open the bottle. But now I'm thinking, "I hope I don't have any glass in my guts"

I just got an email about, "The coldest beer in town." In the email, they're bragging about how they have "ice cold beer". They serve there beer at 37 degrees.

After reading some of the email, I was like, "That's WAY too cold!" From what I remember, the colder you serve beer, the less you can taste the flavors. The delicate aromas are lost. Depending on the beer, it's best served  at around 42 degrees. Unless it's a darker beer like a stout or a porter. In Europe, they serve beer at room temperature. I got that fact from watching BBC America!

Oh wait! I finished reading the email. Yeah, they're talking about Bud Light. I was thinking they were talking about craft beers. Yeah, that's probably better that you don't taste it.

I guess you're correct random email! It's best that I don't taste THAT kind of beer. Any beer where CORN is the main ingredient, you probably don't want to really taste it.

I'm not your dad and I know I shouldn't tell you what to do, but I'm going to say this, "FUCK Anheuser Busch!" I'll elaborate on that statement later. It's sleep time now!

And This Little Piggy Went to the Bank!

Homer Simpson

Lisa honey, are you saying that you're never going to eat another animal again?

What about bacon?

Lisa Simpson

No.

Homer Simpson

Ham?

Lisa Simpson

No!

Homer Simpson

Pork chops!?

Lisa Simpson

DAD! THOSE ALL COME FROM THE SAME ANIMAL!

Homer Simpson

He he! Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, MAGICAL animal. He he he.

Yes Homer! All those delicious meats come from a magical animal, the pig! 

Pigs are magical? 

You must be thinking I'm a mad man! You must be thinking, "Pigs are filthy animals! I know cuz I've seen Pulp Fiction. In the movie, they say that pigs sleep and root in it's own shit." This MAY be a true statement, but they still are yummy! Not only do they taste great in my mouth, they'll soon be great for an organ transplant! An alcoholic's dream come true!

According to the Huffington Post, BBC News and several other new sites, animal to human transplants(also known as Xenotransplantation) are right around the corner! Maybe within the next five years!

I'm starting tomorrow! Tomorrow I will buy a pig. The day after that, I will buy a farm. And after that, I will be taking online orders for organs! And no, my farm will NOT be like the book, Animal Farm! I will treat the animals with respect. The animals will love me, until it's too late for them! And then I will have ALL the money and ALL the livers! *maniacal laugh*

The future is NOW! And by now I mean tomorrow. And tomorrow I'll still be waiting for my hoverboard!!!!